To everyone on the Internet telling me to keep Paris in my heart: you don’t need to tell me, it’s already there.
To everyone on the Internet reminding me that while the attacks in Paris are tragic, just as tragic things have recently happened in Syria, Lebanon, Iraq, and Sudan: you’re right, but… I still care more about Paris.
What can I say? I love Paris. I have wonderful memories of visiting as a small child, as an awkward teenager, and as a culture-shocked adult returning from several years of living in Asia. So of course my heart is going to ache as I read reports of the attacks. Because frankly, this sort of thing isn’t supposed to happen in Paris.
Over the past few weeks I’ve seen travelers posting in social media about tragedies in Beirut, Kabul, and Kenya, to name a few, with moving words about how sad it is to see such violence in these countries they’ve visited and loved. But while reading through these posts I couldn’t summon the same emotions they were showing. Why?
For one, I’ve never been to those countries, so I don’t have the same emotional attachments to them that I do to Paris. Secondly, this sort of violence happens in that part of the world all the time – it’s not exactly shocking. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still incredibly sad – in fact I tried to overlay my Facebook profile picture with a Lebanese flag but Facebook didn’t seem to be offering that as option – but it’s hard for me to physically feel that sadness.
Paris brought me to tears because I love it so. But do you want to hear something bad? Around the same time I heard about the attacks in Paris I heard that there had been an earthquake in Japan, and it was thoughts of Japan, not Paris that filled my mind that night, remembering the awful earthquakes that rocked Japan the two times I lived there. That non-event had me more concerned than a horrible attack, which might begin to explain why the loss of 130 lives in Paris has me shedding more tears than the loss of half a million in Iraq.
It’s part of being human, right? We protect our loved ones and defend our homes. Our hearts aren’t big enough to take on the problems of the entire world.
At least my heart isn’t.
My friend Stephanie has one of the most prestigious law degrees and could be making all the money, but instead she works for Human Rights Watch helping the refugees. While my friend Ann focuses on problems in her backyard, working as a counselor at a jail. I criticize her for never leaving the country, but the truth is the world she works in is more foreign to me than anywhere “off the beaten path” I’ve ventured.
I wish so much I could be like them, and I’m grateful people like them exist, but we can’t all be those people, right?
I know I’m supposed to care about the outside world, but what can I really do about it? The situation seems as hopeless as global warming. And to be perfectly honest, my privileged bubble is safe and happy and beautiful (I mean hello, I just moved to Norway). In fact, the only thing that ever gets me out of it is something I have to force myself to do.
This is embarrassing to admit, but I think the real reason I travel to some of the places I do is to teach myself to feel for people and places I otherwise wouldn’t care about.
Basically, I travel because I’m a horrible person.
I didn’t know much about Western China, Central Asia, the Caucasus, or even Iran before I visited, but I sensed that that was a reason I needed to go. While I took several college courses focusing on Tibet, I had no idea the Uyghurs in Xinjiang were suffering just as much in China. I vaguely knew that Tajikistan and Uzbekistan had some of the world’s worst dictators, but I couldn’t bring myself to truly care until I visited and fell in love with the countries.
I had no idea Armenians even spoke Russian until I visited and learned they’re still struggling to recover from the collapse of the Soviet Union. And while news of tragedies in Iraq has me nodding numbly along about how awful the situation is, I now follow Iranian news with genuine concern and anxiety.
I’m afraid I’m always going to care more about what I know, and have trouble truly empathizing with problems that feel totally foreign to me, especially when they just seem too overwhelmingly depressing.
But the thing is, traveling the world has taught me that despite different cultural beliefs and practices, deep down we humans are all the same. Though growing up in a family half from the conservative Christian hills of Kentucky and half from the socialist mountains of Norway, it’s a notion I guess I’ve always been familiar with. And one that usually comforts me, but today that thought has suddenly filled me with worry. Because if the rest of the world is like me, I’m afraid our future might be in deep merde.
Isn’t my failure to empathize, my close-minded concern for my own happiness and beliefs, and my wish to protect my world from ugly outside suffering basically the reason behind every war ever? Isn’t it this attitude that’s the problem here? I mean, I would never kill innocent people, obviously, but if the circumstances were different… would I? Because I’m not really doing anything to help them now.
What can we do?
Becca says
while I was watching the news about Paris on Friday, I suddenly realised that someone I know is in the Bataclan hall. It was weird but in that very moment the way I watched the news changed. I was cringing at every new bit of information.
It’s not that I couldn’t relate to the people in France before, but all of a sudden it became personal. It hits you at a whole different level.
Silvia says
It is sobering to suddenly feel connected to a site of violence, and in a way it makes it harder for me to imagine what it’s like for people who live through this all the time. Knowing someone in the center of it must have magnified that feeling all the more – terrifying.
Heather @ Ferreting Out the Fun says
I’m American but my best friend is French. She lives in NYC so I knew she was fine, but what about her family? Her friends? Her college boyfriend that I’ve heard so much about? Of course we feel more concern about who and what we know. It’s the people who don’t feel ANY concern that we need to be worried about.
Silvia says
You’re right, and I think a lot of people’s concern for France has made them more empathetic towards places where this sort of violence is the norm. Though I’ve seen a lot of people take this as a sign that we shouldn’t take in any Syrian refugees because they’re dangerous and that sort of misguided concern is incredibly worrying!
Timothy Nowak says
You can and should write your book now!
Silvia says
Haha I’m not sure I can imagine ever committing to anything longer than a blog post!
Serendipity Tess says
I appreciate the honesty of your post. But you are helping already. Let me tell you how.
In small ways we can all help by donating or volunteer, for instance etc. there is always a way to get involved if people so choose. On a smaller scale: Donating to charity is one aspect that is very important for me. I do it regularly – but understand that people don’t.
But the biggest way to help, is by working on ourselves every day. By being a better human. By opening our eyes to what is out there and by learning and growing. It is precisely why I travel and what you mentioned in your post. It is getting out of your comfort zone and educating yourself. And by doing this, you change for the better. You cannot change the world. But you can change yourself – if everyone did that, we would change the world!
Travelling to different countries has opened my eyes to a lot of things. But mainly to one thing: i’m so goddamn lucky. And i’m counting my blessings every time I witness poverty, loss, grief.
You are not a horrible person. You care. That’s why you wrote this.
Thank you for this post.
Silvia says
I couldn’t agree more – traveling continues again and again to show me how lucky I am!
Gerald Leonelli says
My heart and prayers go out to the people of France and the world. Please help defeat these terrorist. We live in very trying time in our planet and must. Unite to get her to. Stop these terrorist. Keep vigilant and report any thing that appears out of the ordinary.
God Bless all those who lost their lives
Silvia says
There’s a lot to be praying for these days!
MissLilly says
then we would all be horrible people. As you’ve pointed out, we tend to care most about what we know and it’s closer to the heart. But by travelling, discovering other people and other stories and sharing them then those far away realities become real to us as well.
Silvia says
I do love how traveling makes the world feel smaller and our compassion greater.
Ayesha says
Hi,
I am a LONG time lurker and first time commenter.
I just wanted to thank you for this post. In a world where opinions are not said if they are against the popular facebook/tumblr/pc viewpoint your post is such a breath of fresh air.
I have always loved your writing, since you seem so unafraid to be self aware and honest. This is something I think lacks from so many blogs that I read.
This post is challenging and dare I say it mildly controversial, but I have to admire how genuine you are about it. If you don’t challenge the popular opinion then it is not a discussion anymore it is a bandwagon.
It is so much bigger than you and me and everybody that we know. How do we start to fix such a broken world? In my own country there is poverty, corruption and violence, but there is also hope, care and love too. That should matter too right?
Silvia says
I was definitely a bit nervous pressing publish on this post, so it means so much to me that you could identify with it! The world does sometimes feel impossibly broken, but you’re right, our persisting hope, care and love matters too – in fact it probably matters much more.
Tempesst says
Wowww–what a wonderfully written post. I feel the same way, but would never ever be able to find the words to say it as eloquently as you did here. Such a great read. I hope you have a great week!
Silvia says
I actually wasn’t sure if I articulated my thoughts properly here, so I’m so happy to hear that you understood what I was trying to say!
Mary B says
I’ve been thinking a lot about this the past couple of days. It’s natural to feel more for a place you’ve been, in the same way we care more about people we know than strangers. And by being someone who says “I want to know more places and more people”, you’re broadening that area of caring with every trip. This is one of the great benefits of travel, as you said – it increases our empathy. And on top of that, you use this platform to share those trips and encourage others to go see for themselves, or to at least understand them a little bit more through your stories and experiences! You have an amazing resource for doing good things here.
The danger, as I see it, is that we can never know everywhere or everyone – and yet every life should have equal value to us. When we care less about lives lost in places that are unfamiliar or scary to us, we devalue those lives. We say to the relatives of the people killed in Beirut and Baghdad that their parents and brothers and daughters don’t matter to us as much, as a Western society, because they are foreign. And because we don’t feel the same shock/outrage/empathy, we also tend to not respond with the same urgency of “what can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”- in fact, we tend to assume that it WILL happen again, and that it’s just part of life there, which is so completely unfair. I don’t really know how we change this, other than to talk about it, and to support media sources that are less biased in their coverage of world events (Al Jazeera English seemed to do a good job of covering both Lebanon and Paris. Also, an interesting letter to the editor about the media bias: http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/features/2015/11/letter-beirut-bomb-151115074258067.html)
It can feel overwhelming, but I don’t think that our hearts have limits on compassion if we open them up (and practice good self-care). And because talking about compassion made me think of the Dalai Lama, a quote from him that seems to fit:
“I believe that to meet the challenges of our times, human beings will have to develop a greater sense of universal responsibility. Each of us must learn to work not just for one self, one’s own family or one’s nation, but for the benefit of all humankind. Universal responsibility is the key to human survival, it is the foundation for world peace.”
(sorry for writing so much!)
Mary B says
more words from HHDL because he’s pretty much the boss when it comes to compassion:
“When we say “I love the members of my own family, the people of my own religion or country or color” bias limits our affection. But with proper practice, from an ordinary level of affection we can develop an unbiased universal love, in which we don’t care what other people’s faith is, their nationality, or social status – so long as they are human beings, they are our brothers and sisters.”
Silvia says
I love those quotes! The problems of the world can sometimes feel so big and our own imperfect hearts so small, but you’re right – it’s so important to keep talking about things like this, informing ourselves, and caring!
Nathan Anderson says
Extremely well-written post! I definitely agree, it’s much easier to care when the place affected by tragedy is one you know and love. All the more reason to travel and try to make the world a smaller place 🙂
Thanks for the honest, thought-provoking post!
Silvia says
It’s definitely one of my main reasons to keep traveling!
Geri says
Beautifully written, your post is confirming one fact – we can’t accept what we don’t know. We are easily brainwashed by the popular media until you don’t go and see for ourselves. And then everything becomes personal, because of the people we meet, the destinies we hear of and the realization that everyone is just like us but shows it in different way. Thank you for this post! It is refreshing after all the tears and tearful speeches in a time when we have to be strong.
Silvia says
It is amazing to see how differently something affects us when we’re personally connected it it – I hope this means a tragedy like this can teach us to open our hearts more, not close them in fear.
Harsh says
I love your blogs. As you written about every place with pics it’s so good. We are thankful to you if you could write more elaborate. Thank you.
Silvia says
Glad you’ve enjoyed it!
Meghan says
This is an amazing post. I agree whole-heartedly with some of the other commenters that just by being self-aware and knowing that you are lacking in certain areas of knowledge (and thus cannot empathize) is amazing in itself… but you have committed to not only filling in those gaps but *experiencing* them firsthand, for yourself, creating your own opinions. Just because you choose to live in a place that makes you happy doesn’t make an uncaring person. And while you may have friends whom you can see directly benefiting the underprivileged, that doesn’t make your purpose in life any less important. I’m absolutely sure that you’ve inspired thousands of readers on your blog. But anyway, this is beginning to sound like a pep talk and what I really want to say is that you shouldn’t feel guilty about living the life that is being the most true to yourself.
Silvia says
And a lovely pep talk it is! No but seriously, it does sometimes feel horribly selfish to live a happy and comfortable life when there’s such suffering in the world, but I think you’re right that continuing to care and learn is the key here.
Edna says
While I understand the sentiment — and am definitely guilty of it in previous situations — having been just a couple blocks away from the attacks in Paris on Friday night brought it all into a new light for me.
I was terrified. My hands were shaking, my imagination was running wild, we didn’t know if there were going to be more attacks, we didn’t know where the suspects were, if they were still out there. It was an awful, awful few short hours — just hours! — and I can’t imagine that there are people in the Middle East and around the world who experience this every day.
No one should have to live through that fear, even if it’s considered “normal” or “over there”.
In the days since I’ve appreciated everyone who has reached out in concern, but I’ve also felt guilty. What if I had been in Beirut? Would so many people have reached out then? Would people have cared about my safety as much if I’d been in Baghdad, or would they have victim-blamed me (“well she shouldn’t have been there in the first place”)? It’s why I haven’t changed my profile photo to the French flag, because I don’t feel right to have so many thoughts and goodwill sent for one city and not another.
That said, it is of course obviously human nature to care more about those things we can relate to, that are closer to us. But that’s why I love that you travel to the Caucauses, and Iran, and places far fewer people try to explore, to expand your horizons — if anyone could have written this and not annoyed me, it’s you 🙂
Silvia says
Oh Edna, that must have been so terrifying for you! And I agree with what you’re saying – in fact I think it’s the same point I was trying to make at the end. We don’t need to be criticizing people for caring more about a city they love than one that feels totally foreign, because that is human nature, but what we do need to be doing is asking ourselves why we’re more moved by this tragedy instead of others and how we can learn to care more about the suffering of the rest of the world. This could be a time to close our hearts in fear of the outside, or a time to realize, like you have, that this sort of violence is the norm in some places in the world and we need to start recognizing that pain and doing whatever we can to ease it.
Tanya Nguyen says
I am emotional attached to Paris, too. My husband proposed me there 2 years ago. We can only empathize to France. Thank you for sharing your opinion! I am glad that I have the opportunity to read valuable thoughts! Greetings!