While I know I’m in a very lucky position here in Norway, this period of isolation has been hard. Over the weekend I video chatted with two of my friends in the US, and after discussing one’s wedding plans and watching the other’s baby crawl all over her I had to abruptly hang up and run to my bedroom for a cry.
And I cried and cried. It was one of those cries where for the first ten minutes I felt really bad for myself, but then eventually I wasn’t even sure what I was crying about, and by the end I felt downright pious because I was crying for the WORLD, that’s how much I care. Or something like that – I’m still not entirely sure.
I know what you’re thinking: yes, this is exactly what we need to turn our attention to right now! A travel blogger crying into her duvet over being stuck at home.
But guys it’s okay for me to cry about it, because haven’t you heard? Everyone on social media keeps saying that yes, others have it worse, but your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel stressed and unproductive even if the virus isn’t affecting you personally yet, because your feelings are valid. It’s okay guys, OUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.
That’s what I told myself as I wiped the tears from my cheeks, to which I responded, but what even are my feelings?
I’ve certainly experienced a wide range of emotions over the past several weeks, and yet I’m not sure I have an answer to that question.
I’ve seen a lot of travel businesses publicly despair over their vanished incomes. No, this isn’t a great time to be in the travel industry. But luckily as a blogger I continue to make money as long as people continue to read – thank you for that!
So no, I wasn’t crying over money, and for that I am so grateful.
Living alone is beginning to take a toll – I literally have not touched another human in a month. And watching my friend talk to her fiancé in the background of our chat and my other friend cuddle with her baby while her husband sat at her feet was a brutal reminder that my loneliness right now is my own fault. If I had made different choices in my life, I too could be spending this isolation period with the person or people I love most in the world.
But instead I chose to spend my twenties traveling the world, scattering bits of my heart across the globe. Was that a mistake?
Oh what I would give to have all those pieces back together here in my apartment right now.
I cried as I thought about how my current misery is my own doing. And then I cried even more as I wondered why I keep choosing travel, when I know deep down that I too want that warm, loving home life.
Which made me ask myself again, why was I crying? Was it because I felt lonely and stressed, or was I also missing travel?
To be honest, I don’t really mind not being able to travel right now. There are obviously much larger problems in the world to worry about. But, while I’m not mourning the loss of my travel plans per se, I do think I am upset about what my life looks like without travel.
And that makes me wonder if maybe my love of travel wasn’t about the destinations, but instead about getting to spend time away from home. Was it all just an escape?
I’ve written before about how my years as a backpacker totally shifted my life goals. I tossed aside the resume I so carefully had been building with pretentious elite schools and internships and jobs that looked good on paper but I secretly hated. I learned to backpack on a few dollars a day and ignore raised eyebrows when people asked what I was doing with my life.
Even now I’ve become a pro at smiling politely when someone asks me if I actually make enough money to live off of with my travel blog. Do I care that they don’t recognize the amount of hard work and skill that has gone into building this (actually quite successful!) business? No!
Okay fine, it might be nice if someone responded with admiration instead of skepticism.
And while I tell myself that I’m happy forging my own path, when I look around at all of my neighbors who have lived here their entire lives and are surrounded by family, I can feel that growing fear in the pit of my stomach that there actually were rules for how to live this life, and I didn’t follow them properly. And that’s when I would grab my car keys and drive to Finland.
I’ve never felt brave for setting off for faraway places. In fact I always feel secretly guilty when people suggest that my travels show courage, because I know that being on the road is where I feel most at ease.
Seeing the different ways people live around the world is a reassuring reminder that there is no right way to live. It’s the same reason why I’ve always felt most comfortable living abroad. Being a foreigner is the perfect excuse for not quite fitting in (something I’ve never been great at). It’s okay if I’m different, because I’m a literal alien!
These days I don’t want to travel as far, but instead of feeling like I’ve become less adventurous in my thirties, I’m secretly proud that I can now scratch that travel itch closer to home. Because I do want to feel at home, well, at home. So by limiting my travels to Norway it’s like I’m circling in on that home I hope to have – exploring closer and closer until one day I’ll be content roaming around my garden. But for now being on the open road is still my favorite feeling in the world.
Travel reminds me that I can decide how I want to live my life. Sure some people might say we should live a certain way, but over there those people say something different. So really it’s up to me.
Except right now it isn’t.
I’m looking around at my totally empty living room, wondering if this is now all I have in life.
But wait, this living room wasn’t always empty.
About a month ago, upon hearing that I had to self quarantine because I had recently traveled abroad, I decided to move all the furniture out of my living room to create a dance studio. What better time to work on my pirouettes and regain the flexibility I had back in my dancing days?
And if I peer into the next room I see that it has changed quite a bit as well. My kitchen table is currently covered with colorful pieces of fruit, laid out in carefully measured angles. You see, I’m trying to wrap my mind around planetary aspects. I’ve always been interested in different belief systems, and while I covered most world religions in my philosophy major, I thought now would be the perfect time to dive into astrology!
This is all to say that yes, I am stuck at home, but wow has my home been changing a lot during this period of isolation.
I’ve seen so many people stress the importance of healthy routines during this uncertain time, and sure enough plenty of my peers seem to be thriving in their new normal with morning yoga, healthy breakfasts, efficient working from home setups and a single nightly episode of Tiger King.
But then on the other hand, a whole lot of us seem to be doing exactly the opposite. Forget routine, this is no time to finally try to be normal!
Catriona has joined an online choir where she records videos of herself singing, Sam sends our group chat a new book idea every day, and Sher seems overnight to have become a gourmet chef. Oh and Danielle is learning to bake bread – and she doesn’t even eat bread! And I mean, I’ve always worked from home, so this situation should be affecting me the least of all people. Yet I feel like my life has flipped upside down.
And so as I look around at my empty living room I remember what I briefly forgot during my conversation with my friends: I’ve had a wonderful past few weeks. Okay that sounds bad. Of course I’m worried for the world and anxious for my friends and family. But I’m also kind of really excited about how my life at home continues to transform.
I’ve been having fun coming up with new projects and distractions, and I’ve loved seeing all the creative ways my friends are now filling their days. It’s honestly so inspiring.
I know there’s a lot of fear around what life will look like after this virus, and it’s something I worry about as well. We’re already seeing huge economic impacts, and yes, having so many freedoms taken away overnight is certainly distressing. Many are comparing this to 9/11, and no, it didn’t seem like the world changed for the better after those attacks. In fact my parents never quite got over the marked difference in their students who were raised before and after 9/11, to the point where they decided to retire earlier than planned.
Now I’m not about to tell you to screw the government, exercise your freedom and go back outside! For goodness’ sake, please stay home right now.
But to all the people hinting that this unprecedented level of restriction is taking away our freedom at a rate more alarming than the spread of any virus, I say, sure, you might be able to gain some control over people who feel safest at home. But don’t for a moment think that the travelers will stop exploring. And what’s more freeing than that? As my dad told me:
The only thing that matters at the moment is to see this: our travel days are not over. Even when stuck at home, with the hands of the clock no longer moving and time seemingly at a standstill, once the eye of the imagination comes open, the entire universe is ours to explore.
I can’t wait to see where we all go.
And ugh yes, I realize my dad is much more eloquent than I am, it’s very annoying. Or in times like these, perhaps inspiring. In fact maybe I can get him to share more with us?
Well look at that, here’s his own blog post.
Nynke says
Wow, so many different interesting ideas in this blog! I definitely could not have many of them seen coming :). And I’m glad that you are generally having a good time, although I’d still wish for you to time-share a cat to cuddle! And I wouldn’t say that the fact that you live alone is your fault really – it may be partly attributable to your life choices and to the fact that you haven’t frantically searched for a random housemate over the past year, but come on! You’re only one year past a break-up, and they can happen to anyone!
Lizzy says
This piece was a real emotional rollercoaster! And I rode it right along with you. At the start I never would have guessed this would be one of the most uplifting things I’ve read in recent weeks, but it really was. As always, I admire your vulnerability and optimism. I think they’re especially great qualities for a blogger.
Kelly says
I am feeling similar. I am a teacher so i get a long summer vacation. But during the school year I tutor during most of my free time to earn money to travel and then I disappear for the whole summer. I have made so many friends around the world and have lots of friends at home. But all my friends seem to be married and I am alone watching doctor who.
But I know it is for the best and I am happy to be healthy and safe and I am happy that you are the same.
Travel will come back into our lives when the time is right.
PS I spent a lot of time in Russia last two years and your posts were a great inspiration – winter in Baikal is one of my favorite experiences!
Emma says
I’m a fellow Teacher who travels every school holiday break. I agree that this blog touched me too. I’m finding it hard being stuck at home with everyone around me in relationships, pregnant or looking after their small children. What I would do to have a loved one with me during these times.
Whilst my travelling experience have been amazing and taught me a lot. I too often wonder if my independence and up and go attitude has resulted in my singleness. Constantly searching the world when maybe I should be spending more time in my own backyard.
Please keep sharing your experiences as it seems there are many people out there in similar situations as us and it is comforting to know that we share these similar doubts from time to time.
Cindy says
Thank you for this wonderful post, Silvia–a mix of touch and lightness that we all need right now. I’ve been reading your blog for over 3 years but never left a comment, but in the spirit of this unprecedented time, why not? You’ve eloquently put into words my own emotions during these times, and it is as if I myself just unloaded all my feelings out in the world. So thank you. What you articulated was a good reminder of how powerful words can be, and beautiful that, as “strangers,” we can share similar feelings that are equivalence within one being to another. Something that your post also reminded me of is how we choose to live our lives, in a meaningful and purposeful (not perfect) way, we can create a home anywhere we go. Something that I’m grateful for, even with all the pain-anxiety this situation has imposed on me and my love ones, that there is a kind of quietness that brings forth a renewed sense of wonder. Sometimes we need darkness to see.
Arielle says
” I wondered why I keep choosing travel, when I know deep down that I too want that warm, loving home life.”
I wonder this a lot too… Have I made a mistake moving every 2 years in my 20s? Sometimes I wish I had my own permanent apartment and a partner to settle with… or would I be wondering the opposite if I had chosen that over moving abroad? I’m with you, all this time spent alone with no end in sight gives you far too much time to think about these things.
Liz says
Hello to you and to the others who have already commented on this post. I just wanted to share something and to nod a big YES in your direction on something else too. I’m 41 right now and I have spent the past few years of my life wondering the same thing as you–had I not spent my 20s and early 30s traveling Europe and living abroad in several countries, if I had know what I wanted to do with my life sooner, would my life have arrived more quickly or easily at the place I find myself at now? and Why do people ten years younger than me feel so settled and have made ‘home’ more quickly for themselves? And the answer is ineveitably–perhaps I would have gotten ‘here’ more quickly, but I would not be the ‘me’ who I am now without all of that travel and living abroad, and all of that experience (that necessarily meant being away from family and friends), and yes, all of that aloneness that I went through too.
Maybe I would have stayed nearer my family or I would have found more job stability sooner, or would have decided to have children when I was younger. But here’s the thing that I cannot account for: I met my now long-term partner right after I had given up on meeting someone, right at the moment that I was sure that I’d never find someone else who would understand what it meant to live or travel or think the way I do. I met them at the time in my life that was least expected yet most welcome. And by the time I did, I had already spent years getting to know myself. That’s more than many people do before pairing up! I had spent enough time alone and with my own solitude to be able to answer some of the deep inner questions that came next: do I want to settle down? Where do I want to live? How can I be part of a pair and also be completely ‘me’?
So really, what I’m trying to say is–all of my second guessing about my 20s and 30s, and the scattering around the globe of the pieces of my heart (as you say so well)–all this did was provide me with more information about the types of relationships that I really wanted in my life. That time taught me more than staying in one place would have. And although sometimes it feels like a high price to have paid, I can see that some of my friends who are right where they grew up still have different prices that they have paid for choosing that option instead.
As my mother says–Sometimes you have to move far away from where you grew up to really find yourself.
You are living life. We are all trying to find the right path. As they say, it is truly about the journey too and not the destination.
A huge ‘yes’ to the benefit of traveling near one’s chosen home to really get to know it too. I’ve lived abroad in the UK now since 2001 and only recently have I started to really explore the countries in this chosen home-ground. And that feels a bit like nesting somehow. Tracing a path near where I am / where I call home.
Thank you for such an engaging blog piece!
Greg TeKippe says
Greetings! Sylvia, you have done in the decade of your twenties what most people simply dream of. I am parallel to your parents age. Although years and certain meaningless differences may separate our generations, one thing is true. You can no more stop traveling than you can stop breathing. As a young man involved in a conflict in Southeast Asia, my mentor put life to me as follows; “Greg, there are five things you need in life, the rest is your choice; oxygen, water, food, shelter, clothing”. You chose to travel now. You bring not just happiness to people, Sylvia, you bring JOY! We all travel with you and feel we know you personally! Travel is the ultimate experience. Having done this on your own is nothing short of miraculous. This unprecedented temporary stop over is just that…a “stop over” of which you have had many. I shall date myself with the following. This applies to every REAL traveler, like you. “You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension. A dimension of sound, a dimension sight, a dimension of mind. You’re traveling through a world of shadows and substance, both things and ideas….you’ve just crossed into THE TRAVELING ZONE” Hopefully a little levity for you. Sylvia, since many of us can’t travel for a variety of reasons, please, keep the faith and continue to take us with you. I don’t know if this will be printed but, I hope you get to read it! God’s Speed to you!
Kaylini Naidoo says
An emotional roller coaster indeed! I feel like you were speaking the words in my heart. We choose our destiny and in times like this, when we’re slowed down to reflect, I too have pondered whether I should’ve chosen a different life path, taken or (not taken) that job, started a family young etc. I’ve made peace with where I am in my life and I do love travel. My partner and I are currently stuck in different countries so I totally feel your ‘absence of touching another human’. Thanks for your honesty and insights.
Nicole says
Hi Silvia,
I just commented on another one of your posts earlier. I actually feel the same way as you stated in the post a lot, and have the same thoughts as it [feeling lonely and isolated seeing people in cameras with homes, spouses, etc.,] being my own doing since I decided to live in other countries. I first lived in Thailand for a year and had a long distance relationship which was actually great but he broke up with me because of his Visa status in the US and possibly an arranged marriage or something, anyway after that year I went back home, hoping to see him because we still talked and he ended up going back to his home country without telling me and just sent me a picture of him at the airport. We remained good friends front years after, but I never got over it, I dont know if this is why I am not content. I was home for a year after Thailand and decided I wanted to leave again because I just wasn’t content and went to Iceland for grad school (in 2020) and was hoping to settle there (which right away I didnt feel like I wanted to stay) and during that time I have had existential crises all the time, and are still on going about my decision living overseas. I was in Icleand for a year, then Slovenia (which I loved!!!!) for 8 months (the existential crises passed during this time) and then back to Iceland until a few months back and just got to Japan 2 weeks ago. The existential crises is still here and thinking how I am leaving my family and that we wont be close anymore because they dont do stuff with me anymore, or maybe they’ll die and I’ll I’ll Icwas around more, etc., (we call all the time and the time difference from US to Japan is better for this than it was in Iceland, and my schedule is better here because in Iceland it is common to have 12 hours shifts in hospitality and retail and I felt like I had no life, so maybe that feeling will go away once I feel like I have a life again, but I just related a lot to this post about you feeling like it’s your fault for choosing this life. I also feel like I’m not content and that’s why I keep moving but I don’t know now to get over that. Each country I move to I keep thinking maybe I’ll settle there, and then get anxious and think about moving to another place. I think it is so nice you like this particular town in Norway and feel at home there. It looks so pretty. I am not sure if you also experienced similar things to what I said, but I just wanted to reach out because most people don’t understand it when I tell them about my existential crises and how I keep moving, etc.